Lately I've been frustrated by a few loved ones who've been walking headfirst, eyes wide open, into a bad idea. The fact that it's a bad idea is usually obvious to everyone except the person involved. Family and friends circle the wagons and try to help, but often the person isn't interested and continues down his or her own path. Sound familiar?
One of my favorite benefits of yoga is that it enables us to see ourselves. The "witness" or silent observer part of our consciousness, which is usually obscured by the busy mind, begins to come forth as we tame the mind through focused practice, breathing, and meditation. The witness is like that deep, quiet friend that never gets a chance to be heard over the loud, chatty ones. As the witness comes forth, suddenly we can see ourselves very clearly.
Our shadow sides come up: "I'm acting out of jealousy." "I'm being greedy." "I want all the attention."
Our goodness is evident: "I really want what's best for him." "I want to help." "I'm so full of love."
And our ridiculousness comes out: "If I had curly hair I'd be happy." "If I made more money than my brother, I'd be happy." "He was rushed with me when I called him at work today. He must not love me anymore." "If I can own (fill in the blank) I'll be happy."
Yoga shines the light on our thoughts and shows us that our thinking is faulty. We come to know deep in our bones what is true and what is right for us, and while we're not immune to making bad decisions, we're less likely to.
But what do you do when your loved ones aren't in that space -- when they can't see themselves? Sometimes we can get so caught up in another's life that we suffer just as much as if it were our own. If we do this long enough, we can get sick -- physically and emotionally. Stress is stress, and it takes its toll regardless of the source. How can you help without absorbing other people's stuff? I suggest the following:
1. Dharma: Try to help. But remember the concept of dharma: Doing your life's work without being attached to the outcome. Your help may be unwanted, unappreciated, or even unnecessary. (Is it possible that you could be wrong and they could be right?) Try your best, offer love and support, but learn to detach yourself from the outcome.
2. Karma: Remember that each of us must walk our own path. While you might be able to step in and save someone a lot of agony, often the person needs to go down this particular path in order to learn important lessons before they can heal. This can be heartbreaking to watch, as in the case of a young person with promise throwing his life away for drugs, but the truth is that there is often little we can do to help until the person wants to be helped.
3. Surrender: If you get to the point where you've tried everything and it seems that you're only wasting your energy, it's probably time to withdraw. As difficult as it is, you have to let go and let the person play out their own karma, and use your energy to play out yours. Surrender. You can't control everything and everyone. Give in to the flow of life, and find a way to live without being engulfed in the flames of someone else's fire. If you're already down deep in the coals, get help and fight your way back up. Save yourself so you can continue to be a blessing to others.
4. Be a light: We cannot take the darkness out of another person; all we can do is set a good example. Be a light unto yourself, and perhaps you will illuminate another.
Namaste!
Sandy Pradas
On edge? Can't sleep? A few tips to clear the mind:
Affirmation: "If it's mine it can stay, if not go away." "I am OK in this moment."
Cleansing breaths: Take a big inhale from the bottom of your belly, lean forward and exhale out the frustration with a loud sigh. Imagine your problems leaving your body with your breath.
Throw it out: Make a fist and hold it near your belly. Imagine pulling up your problem as you draw your fist up through the center of your body, past the crown of your head, then exhale loudly and throw it out like you're throwing a baseball.
Different perspective: 1. Sit quietly, close your eyes, and view your problem from the third eye -- not the mind -- but the third eye area between the brows.